Spreading waves of …

So many people are in your family. Some are related by blood, your parents, your siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. Some are not, your adopted family, your chosen loved one (and sometimes their family) and of course your friends.

Anyone that has been following my blog will know I have been involved in an abusive relationship for all of my adult life. This is all I have known and lived. I ran away from my marriage a little over a year and a half ago. As soon as I tried to take my own life (several times), because I couldn’t stand my life anymore, it was brought to my attention (smashed in my face is more the correct phrase) that I would need to see a professional phsycologist.

These professionals eased me gently into the understanding that my life was not what it should be and that I had in fact been groomed to be a pawn in my husbands agenda. He cared only for himself, and only cared for others when it was to his advantage. Even to this day I struggle to move forward into a life I know nothing about. I have learned about triggers and am slowly coming to terms with the everyday things that take me back to certain places or events that had trumatic effects on my life. Even though I had always believed everything that went wrong was clearly my fault, I am starting to see now that alot of the things I thought was my responsibility, accually wasn’t.

Moving through these ongoing and seemingly never-ending triggers is tiring and mentally exhausting. As I struggle with my own journey I have noticed that all of my “family” have their triggers as well. The impact of what and who my husband is has not only caused mental damage to me but also to all those who love me, my family.

Just recently I had a massive melt down. Once again there was a trigger involved and as I am trying to move forward through this next step in my journey to discover life as an adult without restriction or blame, I had an anxiety attack that lasted quite a while. Crying and shaking, racking my brain into categories of rational thinking, I managed to calm down (I phoned a friend, a little cheat but I’ve realised that my journey can and should be shared without guilt).

Today I went on a trip to the shops with one of my old friends of over fifteen years. She is not a blood member of my family, yet my son calls her auntie. As we were leaving I checked my parking ticket to see if I had to pay for parking, I didn’t. As I turned to leave she asked me to check the ticket again. Confused I did as she asked and the result was the same. When I asked her what she needed me to do it twice she answered;

I was at the shops once with a friend and her family, and we forgot to check the ticket. As we tried to leave the boom gate didn’t open and the ticket needed to be paid before we left with the car ($3.00). All hell broke loose in the car and I was scared. The husband just kept screaming at my friend and called her the most terrible things (stupid, useless, pathetic, add alot of swearing too). The poor woman got out of the car, shaking like a leaf and crying as she had to run back into the shops to pay the ticket. I was left in the backseat of this car with this raging man as I held onto the tiny hand of the baby safely belted in his chair beside me, hoping my friend would hurry back. She did. And the whole way home she apologized to her husband, explaining how she knew it was all her fault and it would never happen again. She shook the whole time and started picking at her fingers. He used this opportunity (her apparent stupidity) to get some expensive alcohol and an expensive roast dinner, to which she paid with her small part time wage. I’ll never forget it … It was terrifying and I was scared for my friend to think that this was how she lived every day.

As soon as my friend started to tell the story, I triggered. She was talking about me! Something in my past, in my marriage, had affected her so badly she has anxiety now, every time she leaves the shops. I used the opportunity in the car on the way home to explain triggers and how to move past them. And I’m still reeling over the fact that my husband not only abused me but my family as well.

I guess this post is here to show that I acknowledge and respect my family members from my past, my present and my future. And as I move forward through my healing journey and learn to become my own person I will help carry all those who helped carry me through my journey. With love, respect and understanding.