… Fix you

Its no secret, I love music. I love the way it flows and dances with your entire body and mind. It is one of the most powerful entities in the world. No matter where in the world you are there is music. It change your mood, your surroundings, your self perspective and the way you perceive the entire world. And seeing and hearing the reactions of others around you. It changes the way your days (or nights) flow. From happy to sad to frustrated to content, a song is the pathway to your heart, mind and soul.

For my entire life since before I can remember I have been a singer. My earliest memory of this fact was at about four. I was dancing and I was so busy singing the music my body just wouldn’t move with everyone else. I never got in trouble for messing up the dances … People just stared and listened with a little smile that reminded them of something magic. I’ll fully admit, I love having this effect on people. To have the gift to be able bring perspective to others is a true blessing I am fully aware I have and appreciate it with all my heart.

The past for me has had good times and bad. Throughout my life I have placed songs in that particular part of my life, where I needed to remember something, or someone, important or special. My beautiful grandmother, (If you asked me to) who introduced me to listening to Celine and herentire catologe of songs, English and French, when I was 13. My sister’s (hero), my bestie (because you loved me), my first love (tale as old as time), my son (little boy man), my beautiful lost angel ( always be your girl) and of course my (now ex) husband ( a new day has come).

Each of these songs send shivers down my spine and I simply love singing them. All the songs I’ve learned in situations of my past like my first high school recital (my heart will go on), when my mother cryed just listening to me in stage for the first time, my first time at kareoke (beautiful), when my bestie had goosebumps just listening to me, have shaped my life and the journey so far to the point I’m at today. My songs, I sung in happy times, and the ones I listened to in bad times are all precious and beautiful.

In order to help my journey of growth and moving forward in a positive way I have decided that because my past has been so dark, suicidal even (hello, remedy, the voice within, cease fire, beam me up, hanging on, dead in the water, our love ain’t water under the bridge) I need to learn these songs again. I need to find a way to use these song I love, and love to sing, which truly helped save my life, in another way. I don’t want to forget their meanings but I want to be able to learn these songs with a new perspective. The challenge is how?

How can I change my own interpretation of these songs to help my own mental health and well being? Music in general has been inspirational to me and I love that I can share it with others in the way I see a particular song. My iPod has not changed since the day I left my 15yr long abusive marriage. I was listening to shuffle play when ‘fix you’ by cold play came on. My god this song moves the whole world when it done just perfect. I know this because that’s where I go when I hear it. I’m back in my loungeroom at midnight after a long shift at work and was watching the live 8 concert. Chris was in stage at Hyde Park and was simply breathtaking. I was in a place where I wanted to play this song as loud as I could to show everyone in Australia the magic I was watching.

But no! I was in my lounge, with the volume low on my TV. My husband was asleep, drunk, behind me. I wish I could have woken him, just to share the magic, but the repercussions of doing so would have been, well, I just wouldn’t do it. So for me … This song sends me back there to that place where I couldnt make a sound in case I wake the sleeping giant. I hated it. It was magic … He should have wanted to watch it with me … But no, my life was just in this terrible space and there was no escape. This magic song brought me painful memories and adds to my depression and reminded me as to why I was constantly being silenced.

I wanted to find a way to listen to the song seperatly from this memory. I wanted to find a way to love this song without pain. I wanted to sing the song with my whole heart and the way I heard it in that dark room so many years ago.

So I did. I listened to it over and over again. Listening to the lyrics, the harmonies, the instruments and every sharp breath or long hold Chris made. I remembered the magic and found it again in the song. Fix you, what an amazing song to start this new journey with. The lyrics speak for themselves and now after some soul searching and listening with my heart not my head I have now found a love for this song that it truly deserves.

I can’t wait to do this with every song I know. I cant wait to move forward with my journey. I’m so happy I’ve found music again and I can listen to it without painful memories. Now I just need to keep it up and move through my songs that I love and love to sing. Hopefully I will start bringing smiles to people’s faces again soon, including my own. And be able to see my past through a different lense. So many times I look back at what I’ve come from and been through and am so grateful to be here. I know I’m only one person but if I can bring joy to people with music (or writing) then that’s what I’m going to do.

Watch this space my beautiful followers, fantastic things are yet to come.

Find your happy!