Depression is such a strange and scary emotion. The feeling of utter despair and sorrow is so overwhelming the person affected has no control of their mind or their actions. The difficulty of trying to balance light and shade is so overwhelmed with darkness there is no glimpse of light. Logic of the fact these terrifying emotions are all in your head and that people really do care for you get swiped away by sorrow and guilt. Guilt of being alive. Guilt of consuming air. Guilt of stealing love from people that they could be getting from, or giving it to, someone much more worthy.
Getting through your day is hard because you don’t want anyone to know something is going on in your head that wants to cause harm to yourself. Feeling fake and tired makes you feel like life is a stage and your the extra on the side with no mention of acknowledgement. Anyone that wants to make you centre stage and the main attraction is either wasting their time or doing it because they feel sorry for you. Perhaps trying to make their lives more worthy by acknowledging the little insignificant flecks that flow through their lives.
Getting through the nights are worse. Night time brings literal darkness and there is no one to hide from but yourself. Thoughts flow through your mind and continue to do so until you wear yourself out. Thoughts of death, pain, guilt, anger, loss and eventual acceptance. (Yes, I had a plan. One that even to this day stands, without reason, acceptable, in my on conscious, to be a well planned and excellent solution to all mine and everyone else’s problems. And yes, it involved my death)
I found my mind tiring of negative thoughts as the sun rose every morning and managed to rest for a few hours each day, if I was lucky. The thought that no one cared or that no one would even miss me when I’m gone was constantly battling with my common sense. The thought that my future grave would have flowers for a short time and then be forgotten like all the others surrounding me consumed my logic and allowed my depression to take over.
I’m writing this today because I’m doing well. My life has purpose and reason and I’m starting to become happy and content again. Challenges arise and I find myself using my thought process to find positive and logical solutions to each one. But, even as this happens, depression is still present and trying to push it’s way back into my thought process.
I remember thinking that people should just be happy and not allow themselves to be overtaken by grief and sorrow. I remember how unrealistic this assumption was when I was in the midst of darkness and attempting death, a game I lost, thank god. I thought this, this morning and wanted to remind myself to not let depression take my mind and my life again.
It worked. My strategy of dealing with this sudden and surprising thought was to write, hence what you are reading right now. My negative thought has successfully been depleted and I’m ready to face my day again.
Having a moment is OK. Not being able to deal with it is OK. Having a good day and a bad day is OK. Speaking or writing about it is OK. Asking for help is OK. No one is doing anything wrong and some people, though you may not know it or believe it, are genuinely there for you and love you. Look for it, it’s right in front of you.