I feel the incessant need to communicate tonight. Vigilance and the prospect of prosperity drive my soul to move forward and seek higher expectations. The undoing of my life so far has been drawn to this point in time. Where, one year after, I have left the life I’d built for myself and my family has, in my eyes, officially come to an end. By my actions of defiance to god and the laws of man I have now abandoned the need for diplomacy and found peace.
I apologise to those who hold their faith in the constitution of marriage and all the “happiness” that comes with it and betray my own trust in such things. The future is bright but blurred. The grim reality that I may forever be alone has struck my heart like a knife and will forever be imbedded there as a reminder of my past failures.
The life I believed, was right for me has gone and a future unknown awaits. Shadows dance around me as I try to place the newly awaiting pieces of this new puzzle before my eyes. My brain is running for its life and I will be forever chasing it. My heart, I believe, belongs to god, myself and the one true love I feel.
I loved the man with whom I married and was truly faithful. His heart is pure gold but fractured by his past that he could not heal, unfortunately neither could I. Our love, though now diminished, will be forever present in the eyes of our glorious son. He is so beautiful and I feel so blessed to have brought him into this world. I truly hope his future is bright and prosperous, filled with love and contentment.
Contentment is what I now search for in the absence of love. With eyes unwatered and hands unclean I move forward to find greener pastures, hoping silently for a new love to find me, honour and respect me and help build a future with me without pain and disappointment. I wish the same for my former love, he is true brilliance and his life deserves contentment, a contentment that I painstakingly could not supply.
Already, in my absence I see prosperity and peace finding his heart. My guilt for holding on to him to long in hopes for a glorious future fills my head everyday and I don’t want it to anymore. I have found peace for him, and it is without me. I now need to find the peace for me.
The future is unwritten and can be unkind. It can also be adventurous and bright. I will find my light and be wary of the dark. I will not be afraid to fail, as it inevitably will happen with or without consequences. I pray happiness will find me and linger with me for a long time.