Beware of triggers.
Part One – One sided power games
Point Nine – they make all the rules and all the big decisions
This particular tactic can be very scary in relationships. Sometimes the rules are set on paper and must be obeyed without question or excuse. What you should wear. Who you can see. What you talk about. How you talk about it. What you can spend. What to, and how to, clean in the house. What time to wake up or go to bed. When to have sex. Grooming! Visitors in the house. This list could go on and on and all of it very confronting and one sided. The rules must always be obeyed, or else.
Some rules, like mine for example, aren’t written or even spoken for that matter. The expectancy of, say, what to wear or where I’m going always depended on how he felt that day. If his mood was bad it was definitely a ‘cover up’ day or stay at home day. Some days the house needed to be spotless and others he’s chilled enough for it to be livable. He definitely had sex when he wanted I wasn’t consulted or considered, it was always all about him (which is a shame really, I’ve only ever been with him). I never believed he was cheating, he was just simply not interested.
In saying all this, it meant I had no say in the family expenses or any big decisions regarding our future (or even present) at all. Credit card bills would arrive and I was not allowed to open them because it was his account and, therefore, his business. Eventually I did open a letter, as they got more frequent, and found out ‘we’ were more than $20000 in debt (none spent by me). He had just got a new boat and car and go-carts without consulting me and his rules were to never ask questions (it’s not big deal. Really?). It was his business and no one needed to know, even his wife. He worked hard for his money and had a right to enjoy his life (um, credit card loans are not actually your money buddy, it’s the banks). I could never ask for help or advice from anyone because it was family business and ‘he’ had to look forthright, honest and completely doting towards his family, to all his and my family and friends. He was not!
He made these choices without considering me at all (mainly because they were stupid and unreasonable decisions, I would have said no and worked out something else). His unspoken Rules were such a burden because they changed from day to day and subject to subject and I never knew where I stood. It was tiring.
He was very unclear about his rules and even more evasive and sneaky with his decisions. If the rules were obeyed without question or argument there was no acknowledgement or appreciation just his never ending search for more reasons to criticize and start new unexpected rules. Nothing was ever good enough or right for him. If his rules weren’t obeyed then, this is not an exaggeration, all hell broke loose. He would rant and rave and throw a tantrum because his rules weren’t adhered to or his, ever so important (to him), decisions was not celebrated with great glory and praise, which, once out in the open, was repeated and repeated until I gave in and agreed (disagreed) his decision was smart, viable and fantastic. (No, speaking to me first would have been fantastic not the sneakiness and secrecy)
These rules should NOT even exist. These decisions should NOT be made, or even thought of, without consultation and, eventual, equal agreement by both parties involved. Teamwork and mutual respect are essentially the only way a relationship should work. Love and compassion are naturally and easily reciprocated if the couple work together to bring their own level contentment to the relationship.
By making rules, viable or impossible, puts one side of the relationship in power and assumes the other is weaker, not as important, or valid in the partnership. Making big decisions without consultation or consideration of your partner is disrespectful and, just plainly, cruel. No one should be made to feel less then they are and if your partner is treating you like an object or convenience than you should not stay. Please seek help or leave.
THIS IS ABUSE!!!
If you, or anyone you know, experiencing this abusive tactic, please, I need you to seek help. Talk about domestic violence and let’s help each other.
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You may feel alone, but everyone loves you and wants what’s best for you. L