Beware of triggers.
Part One – One sided power games
Point eight What matters is not what they do but what they Gain.
OK, so this particular tactic does, once again, sound familiar. And also, once again, I could tag a lot of examples. This tactic really brings out the narcissist in people and, though not always obvious, always has their wants coming out in top. Their reasoning and abuse tactics would need to be well in place in a relationship for the abuser to feel comfortable with their partner. Or, like in my case, the domineering behavior was apparent from the onset. Unfortunately I didn’t see it.
I remember our first date. It was about a week after we met at a club and he was going to take me to the movies (awesome, cool). He paid and was very attentive the whole night, except when he fell asleep in the theatre (yes I loled then too). I was completely comfortable and happy. Yes our first date went well. We had popcorn and soft drink and chatted, getting to know each other, in general the night was awesome. I had met the man I was going to marry.
In hindsight though, after reading about domestic violence and abusive tactics, he was very domineering. He picked me up at the agreed time. Refused to meet my parents. Took me to the shops first, and introduced me to his “friends” at the shops as his new girlfriend. Whoa, hang on, this is a first date buddy, calm down. I asked him why he was introducing me as his girlfriend.
‘Well, you are aren’t you?’ His response
‘Um, well you haven’t asked me yet.’ It would be nice, he was my one and only boyfriend, ever.
‘Are you serious, you want me to ask you?’ Indignant response.
‘Yes, well it would be nice. And this is only our first date.’
‘OK then, will you be my girlfriend?’ Almost sarcastically, but serious.
The way he asked was his way of saying … you’d better say yes!
So I said yes!
Little did I know that by saying yes it would easily set me up for the next sixteen years as a push over. Everything, every situation, every major (or minor) decision from there onwards would be him telling me what to do, how to do it and when to do it. He had “gained” me, and let him. I didn’t realize what had happened and didn’t realize until I saw a councillor after being married for 15 years.
I spoke often about a holiday. We went on one holiday during our time together and it was a fishing holiday (can you hear the onslaught of excitement, we was finally going on a holiday. To fish. Definitely his idea of a good time.). Unfortunately, I’d been campaigning for so long to go somewhere and his victorious idea got him a great holiday. And for me, not so much.
‘But you wanted a holiday, so we went on holiday. Don’t say I don’t take you anywhere’.
This was his ongoing statement whenever the idea of holidays came up. Needless to say, my budget didn’t allow for another holiday and he certainly was not going to pay for it, the entire trip Must be paid by me and he would decide when and where we went. I gave up and didn’t ask for a holiday again.
The same tactic was used with my cars, he wanted me to get a 4WD so he could use it, anytime. And then I would be responsible for the repair bill when he broke it.
Also, he chose not to come to one of my musical shows because it didn’t benefit him, he had decided to go fishing in the morning with a friend and didn’t want a late night (I never found this out till the next day).
Even simple stuff like laundry, he would only ever was his clothes. (Your so lazy and I need my uniforms for work. Pls also note the laundry was done he just had to look in a draw to see it) Food, he would always cook what he felt like and we would be forced to eat it, with pleasure, regardless as to whether we wanted it or not (we had to be ever grateful at his amazing culinary skills and remind him often how brilliant he was). Even cleaning the house, if he needed to use something or needs a certain space he would clean only that spot and leave the rest … he didn’t need it.
I actually recognised /used this tactic when I left him. If I didn’t touch or move anything of his, he didn’t notice it was gone.
If your partner is bullying you to gain something for himself …
THIS IS ABUSE!!!
If you, or anyone you know, experiencing this abusive tactic, please, I need you to seek help. Talk about domestic violence and let’s help each other.
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You may feel alone, but everyone loves you and wants what’s best for you. L