Beware of triggers.
Part One – One sided power games
Point seven – does not inform or communicate important aspects of their lives (eg. New job, hobbies, who their with and where)
So this tactic is abit confusing. For one point, you want your partner to enjoy their own lives, stay independent and as awesome as the day you met them. But also there is that level of mutual trust and respect that clearly states there is a line in any relationship that can be crossed and needs to be adhered to, as best as possible, in order to keep the trust and respect
So where is this line?
I guess it depends on your relationship and how comfortable (and trusting) each of you are within the relationship.
Where does that level of trust end and suspicions or abuse arise?
Some relationships have no barriers. Each partner is able to do what they want, when they want with 100% trust, love and respect. Some decisions made, by the partner in question, without the others input is well thought out, and all consequences considered without the need of communicating with your partner. The partner knows their loved one so well and all BIG decisions are discussed with mutual respect and love. There would be no other way.
Some relationships are the complete opposite. The partner has no consideration for their loved one. Their opinion is always the best and always right, no matter the consequences. There is no thought of what their awaiting partner will think about this massive change in their lives (new job or lack thereof) or new hobby (unnecessary expense or time apart) and not showing up, being late or choosing someone else’s time over yours without notice. By them not including or even considering their partner shows zero respect and love. This is abuse.
There is also the aspect of them wanting to know all of your lives details. Where you are and who your with. You would never dream of starting new hobbies without consent (the consequences of that would be astronomically bad) or discussion. And lastly … would you leave or start a new job without discussion, no way.
The expectancy that you would not communicate these aspects of your life could have such tragic consequences, that’s when this becomes abusive. Especially when they do things without consent and expect 100% communication in return, or else.
The example that comes to mind with this particular tactic is the work comment. I stayed at the same job for 10 yrs (having only three jobs in total within my 15yr marriage, by the end of it I had quit everything, I was worth nothing and couldn’t hold a job because I was worthless, hence the nervous breakdown). He would call me every day to make sure he knew where I was and who I was with and ask when I’d be home (I have always been 100% truthful and loyal and never implicated any reasons of suspicion of any kind). If I wasn’t at work, he rung anyway, to ensure I would be home when he’s ready to serve dinner regardless to where I was or who I was with. To the contrary, in those ten years I held just one job, for example, he changed his job 9 times (13 times over the course of our marriage). Yes, nine… he would have a bad day, lost his temper and quit, just quit. I had no idea. He didn’t communicate any of these thoughts or actions with me, as my opinion doesn’t matter to him.
He was in incredible debt with credit cards, I had no idea he wasn’t going to work because he just used his cards to pay bills. I would, eventually, find out when he started a new job, Of course, I was washing new uniforms, I noticed. I would ask him and he would always respond with ‘Yea, I told you last week I started a new job, you remember?’ Now this abuse tactic was used often on me and it has been proven to be so mentally scaring that many people (including myself) believe their lies and think they must be going “crazy”.
This tactic, I believe, becomes abusive when bullying becomes apparent, even normal. When the lines of communication are so blurred and one sided that the partner becomes so confused and worthless in the relationship. They feel useless, stupid and have absolutely no control of their relationship or themselves. Their entire lives are lived on the edge of a knife. They are unable to make knowledgeable choices for themselves and their lives are being dictated to them by someone else, and they truly believe that it’s the only way to be.
This tactic is so controversial because you have two sides to the coin. There is allowing freedoms so much that some people take advantage of their freedom and make life affirming decisions without “consent”. Or the is the level of “consent” that becomes so overwhelming that you become squashed in your own house and can’t make rational decisions by yourself.
Where is the line drawn in your relationship and how do you gauge the level of communication regarding massive decisions impacting your lives together?
THIS IS ABUSE!!!
If you, or anyone you know, experiencing this abusive tactic, please, I need you to seek help. Talk about domestic violence and let’s help each other.
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You may feel alone, but everyone loves you and wants what’s best for you. L