Circle of Domestic Violence (Part one, Point three) …

Beware of triggers .

Point One – One Sided Power Games

– Manipulates partners time and energy

Does this sound familiar? Once again, it sure did to me. In the one instance he really didn’t care where I was or who I was with. But, to the contrary of that, if I was somewhere he didn’t want me to be or with someone he didn’t want me to be with, he most certainly ‘let me know’. I lost alot of friends because he didn’t like them. Now, in retrospect, I can see his attitude changed towards a specific mate when I would stick up for myself or challenge his messages. Always, without fail, these amazing, strong and beautiful friends would get slowly pushed out of the picture that was my life and I would be alone again.

He would then always swoop in with sympathy and much scorn for the person now gone from my life. I realized now, he enjoyed this. It meant I had no where to go and I would be at home with him or working. I do question his motives. What was he hoping to gain? Me, isolated and miserable because no one wanted, or had the energy, to be my friend. Surely he loved me for being outgoing and fun-loving. Over 15yrs I had changed to a depressed, anxious mess. I’d lost confidence in my self and music (I never was or am very pretty, but I don’t crack mirrors or anything and I had learned to live with what god gave me and was grateful. Alot of others had it heaps worse than me.) How could I ask even HIM to love me?

All of this naturally drained my energy and made me feel completely ugly and worthless. I didn’t deserve friends and they certainly didn’t deserve me. Through good times and bad I was told, and truly believed, that if they can’t handle me at my worst then they don’t deserve me at my best. I have some amazing friends who have stood next to me and held me up when I was tired and not worthy.

I would organise to go out for a few hours with friends or family and, naturally, my beautiful husband would be so supportive and say:

“Sure, you can go out, have a great time with your friends.”

Then as Friday approached his attitude would change … he was tired and couldn’t be bothered cooking for dinner. (For the record, I never cooked dinner. That’s right! Never! You see, he was older and more experienced then me with cooking … he didn’t want to end up in hospital with food poisoning or for the house to be burnt down through my lack of cooking skills. Also if I did burn the house down it would be my sole responsibility to replace all of his things.) Then I would offer to cook, so I could feed him then get ready to go out, with him content and full. Of course, he always cooked. So he would start cooking the evening meal at 7pm, when I was supposed to leave. Instantly putting me back at least an hour, trying to aggravate my friends and of course me. Then we would eat and he would start with his:

“It’s getting abit late, your not still going out now are you? I was just going to put a movie on so we could watch it together. Your friends are probably finishing up by this stage, abit embarrassing to show up now”

At this stage it’s 8.30pm and I’m clearly not going out. I would, once again, flake out on my mates, which was always no surprise to them. (Please also note he had absolutely no problem flaking on his friends and family and openly blamed me for his reason not to show up to things. If he didn’t want to or the plans didn’t benefit him, he had no interest in participating.).

I remember once my best mate said …

“It’s ok, you can be abit late, I’ll come pick you up.”

I was exhausted after getting ready, then getting changed (unready) and being, once again, dissapointed to not being able to go out (even though he said I could). I would deter her and anyone who made this option available for me. Saying I was tired or not feeling well. It could never be his fault I’m not going out, that was ‘family business’ and no one had a right to know. She responded one day with:

“Ok, cool I’ll be there in five.”

Shit … I’ve gotta get ready again. While listening to him argue with me, unhappy to not have his way. Starting to point out it was to late to go out, or, I should just stay home and chill with him, or, who the Fu?k does she thinks she is? She can’t just show up here and take you out in the middle if the night. Please note none of this was said ‘nicely’. I quickly changed my clothes and waited, I could hear her arriving. And he quickly would stop yelling …

I would get the door, looking awful and tired. No make up and wearing clothes I’d just thrown on quickly. How I always looked, I’d given up on trying to look pretty a long time ago. She of course was bright and bubbly and excited to have me, actually, come out with her. And then, he would jump up, smile at her and say:

“Oh, thanks for coming to get her . I told her in the week she could go out but she is always trying to back out.” He would laugh and turn to me, stretch down and give me a kiss and a little squeeze on the butt, “you go out now and have fun, husband orders”

I would smile weakly and say to my bestie, let’s just go.

Once in her car, smokes were lit and I would be quiet for a few minutes. Then turn and say gently to her, thank you. She was one of the only people who saw my situation for what it was and we went back to her place to chill out, talk, drink and sing. And she was one of the only ones to see me not as a flake but someone’s who’s time and energy was being monopolised. She continued with this push and even he, eventually, realized that she wasn’t giving up. Unfortunately she eventually did. When I got sick, she tried to push him into understanding that he should be caring for his wife not her, she stood fast with this and disappeared for some time. Sadly he didn’t help and I struggled continually trying to get by each day on my own, eventuating in my imminent mental breakdown. And many failed attempts at ending my own stupid, unworthy, useless life. Of course I don’t blame her, or him really, I just needed to be stronger, and wasn’t. Everyone else was gone and had forgotten me, the awful friend who never shows up or keeps her word… worst friend ever. Who cares if she suffers, she never cared about us.

This behavior was present from the beginning of our relationship to the end and sometimes even now. I could go on and on with examples of him supporting me, but somehow not supporting me at the same time. (You will no doubt get numerous examples in my future blogs.)

THIS IS ABUSE!!!!

If you, or anyone else you know, is experiencing this abusive tactic please, I need you, to seek help. Talk about domestic violence and let’s help each other.

Please leave a comment or question below and follow my blog. I plan on spreading this message as far as I can to help save men or women in this Situation and to help them understand abuse IS NOT OK.

You may feel alone, but everyone loves you and wants what is best for you. L

(Please also note, I’ve written this in a slightly depressive mood, I may tweak it later)