So, as I’ve written in an earlier post, (about triggers) I’ve experienced a new “trigger”, and thought I would share. Now this one, as normal, came as a shock, and unfortunately has stuck with me for the majority of this day, so far. Hence, the decision to write it down and share with everyone. The effects of this particular “trigger” set off my anxiety, badly, and then depression, and I felt it definitely needed to be dealt with to move forward in my day.
Basically, the neighbors were having an argument. Granted, it was a big one, it was loud and confronting and disturbing. I awoke to this and forgot where I was. As I woke I forgot I was in a safe place, with my son, away from harm. I forgot the doors were locked and no one could get in and hurt me. I basically was back in my old bedroom, from my marriage, and I was getting yelled at … again. In my disorientation I thought: No, I don’t have to work today! Why are you yelling at me to work? No, I’m not stupid and worth nothing but dirt! Why are you saying this? Shouldn’t you be at work?
As my anxiety and disorientation slowly diminished i realised where I was and that I was safe. I looked around at my, now, comfortable home I’ve made for myself and was thankful. My anxiety passed as my panic attack lessened, I suddenly started to feel really really down. Depression had sunk in. Why was this stuff still bothering me? How long will I have to put up with this?
Anyway, life goes on and I got up and left my bedroom closing the door, and the noise, behind it. In the kitchen I prepared my son and myself breakfast and prepared for our days. Appointments, texts, emails, phone calls and then, a break … finally. (Please also acknowledge that my anxiety and depression was pretty extreme today and ,yet, I needed to continue through my day. People with mental health issues are “normal” … they still work hard, shop, look after children, etc and function as “normal”, because they must. It’s part of life. It is also why you should never judge a book by its cover, you never know what underlying issues are within people’s souls.)
After my errands, I was back at home, safe, and looking at my closed bedroom door, thankful that the argument from this morning was over but depressed it had affected me so badly. I entered my room and sat … I would have sat there for about twenty minutes, doing nothing. My brain was upset and needed a break. It managed to be aware of gratefulness that I’m no longer in a position of danger and I was safe in my house. But then never ending questions always pop up in my head. How long will this last? How am I going to continue to move forward if everything is continually pulling be backwards?
I guessing in this particular case, I,
(A) need to shut out other people’s business and not allow them, or it, to impact my life.
(B) concentrate on the fact I’m no longer in a domestic violence situation and I’m safe in a new home (haven) I had created for myself and my son.
(C) And , lastly, acknowledge and respect this trigger so it does not affect me so badly next time. (And hopefully get me to a stage of walking over the road and helping this poor lady who is constantly getting yelled at.)
I think this blog is helping alot. Writing these types of triggers down and sharing them really has, impactually, made me more aware of them and what they are, how they work and how to recognise the signs and reactions they give.
I hope you’ve gotten some clarity after reading this particular trigger. I’m sure many more will come to me as I have a 15yr history of mental and emotional abuse. Please share any triggers you or someone you may know has experienced or currently experiencing. I, honestly, believe if we discuss and acknowledge these triggers we can finally start to move forward in our lives with a far more positive outlook. It’s NOT an over reaction when I say this strategy of acknowledgement and acceptance to move forward from triggers is a suicide preventative. Absolutely, it could be, let’s talk and save lives…