Beware of triggers.
Point One – One Sided Power Games
– If one tactic does not work, he changes to a new tactic.
Does this sound familiar? I struggled from this tactic all the time. Sometimes his behavior could go from anger to calm or calm to anger. Now it seems like the second option would be more common (which I’m sure it is) but the surprise is when it starts at anger and then calms (that’s when the manipulation or guilt trips kick in).
“I WANT THIS NOW !!!!”
Yea OK, you want something (alcohol, money, sleep, an ingredient for a meal, sex). We all know you do, you just screamed it at me and the neighbors.
OK, I’m gonna explain part of this blog post with the sleep example, because it seems strange to be there with the other options. Alcohol and money seem fairly obvious, but sleep. Yes, sleep was a big issue in my marriage. He always got up early for work so he went to bed early. Sometimes he would fall asleep in the bed, but most of the time on the couch. I learned very quickly to let him sleep on the couch if that’s where he was. Many times I was yelled at that if I woke him and he didn’t get enough sleep and died at work the next day it would be entirely my fault. (This is why sleep makes it on to this list). All of this he completely denied the next day and I was being over dramatic. Did he not remember or was he just in denial? Even when he did acknowledge his awful abusive comments he would say … well Yea, it true isn’t it.
For the yelling to go on and on, then deny it completely really plays on your mental health. You genuinely do start questioning your motives and think you WAS over reacting. OK! that yelling is OK because he was tired and I interrupted his sleep … no it’s not. Or, OK sure, it’s true, it’s all true, if he died at work the next day through interrupted sleep it WOULD be my fault and I WOULD need to live with that guilt for the rest of my life. Like I said … I learned very quickly just to leave him alone, on an uncomfortable lounge rather then the bed we was supposed to share. This often put me in a big empty bed all alone (some marriage!!).
So I’ll move to alcohol, that was also a huge problem in my marriage. I actually stopped myself drinking all together in my house just to discourage alcohol s presence. He often ran out of alcohol the day before payday and he would always ask for money to buy some more, often money I didn’t have or couldn’t afford to part with. After the yelling and screaming, (the ‘you don’t earn as much as me’ and the ‘you don’t work as hard as me’ or the ‘if you worked as hard as me you would feel like a drink too.) and he still hasn’t got me to agree to buy him some alcohol, (please also note by this stage he has already scoured the house looking for alcohol or money, which I had to hide) that’s when he changes his tune.
He always gave me his best (yelling) for a good 15 mins or so. If I didn’t give in and just give him money, if I was still abstinent till the 15 min mark, he would always complete flip over the conversation/argument. The ‘I thought it would be nice if we could have a drink together’ or ‘I just need one to unwind from my day, surely you’ve got cash for just one drink’ or the best one ‘your lucky I drink at home and I’m not going out to the pub every night’. Yes, I heard them all and every time I had to go down the road and get him alcohol.
All of this is naturally draining and, as I mentioned earlier, you get to the stage that your obligated to sleep alone or supply the alcohol before payday. Even to this day I always have $20 in my wallet as a habit of survival. My son couldn’t learn to save money because his own father would steal it from anywhere he could find money. (Just in RE-reading this I wanted to point out that after 14 years of alcohol abuse I managed to stop him drinking, this is when I saw his behavior continue as normal, he was genuinely just a Di?k). Without the alcohol he turned to complaining about anything and everything using this particular tactic all the time to manipulate his way and get what he wanted.
It is important to stay strong and not allow this to be normal, it is not. Learn from my mistakes.
THIS IS ABUSE!!!!
If you, or anyone else you know, is experiencing this abusive tactic please, I need you, to seek help. Talk about domestic violence and let’s help each other.
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You may feel alone, but everyone loves you and wants what is best for you. L