Beware of triggers.
Point one – One Sided Power Games
– He determines how, when and what gets communicated.
Does this sound familiar? It sure did for me. How many times something happened and I could not communicate with anyone or ask for help. I was constantly reminded that anything that happens in our marriage was ‘Family business only’ and no one needs to know our secret business. Many times I suffered from pure suffocation. I just wanted to speak, ask if things in my life were normal (my life just didn’t seem … right). Even now, I’ve escaped, and I still get panic attacks talking about issues that are ‘family business’ (although it is getting easier and easier, writing this blog was difficult).
He was so cruel to everyone always, my family and friends (His family and friends). Eventually there was no one left. My family constantly tried to communicate with me, just to get me out of the house (to breathe). Gradually my friends got sick and tired of me constantly flaking on them and stopped calling or texted. I don’t blame them, to put in so much effort and get nothing in return would push me away to.
Towards the end of my marriage I was at work and he rung me (he always rung me, everyday) to find out when I would be home (as he did everyday), the response was the same everyday, but it was basically his way of saying ‘you should be home … right now!’. A good friend of mine , at work, answered the phone, in the busy shop where I’d worked for nearly ten years, and immediately started laughing. I cringed, I knew the call was for me and I was busy. My friend handed me the phone and my husband was instantly yelling at me.
‘What the fu?k is going on? Why didn’t you answer the phone? Now I had to talk to that fu?khead, he’s such a fu?king cu?t, I can’t believe you didn’t answer the phone! What the Fu?k are you doing? When are you going to be home? You’d better hurry! And don’t you go helping that Fu?khead with his work either, you do your job and come straight home!’
I apologised profusely and explained that I was busy (Durh, like I’m at work, where did you think I was or doing?).
After this conversation I felt drained and awful, he had that effect on me … control.
This happened every day of our marriage. The person he was referring to could be anyone from his work mates or family to mine. Everyday he said awful things, shouting and screaming like a child who lost his favorite toy and I could never discuss it with anyone, it was ‘family business’ and no one had a right to know.
This particular instance I hung up the phone and ‘just needed a smoke, to be honest’ my friend was laughing still and said,
‘God, I love that bloke he’s so funny. You found a good one that’s for sure.’
This is the first time I did “this”, I think that’s why it sticks in my head. I blew up, at work in front of staff and customers,
‘Oh really, well he just screamed at me and said he hates you and called you a Fu?king cu?t. I’m sick and tired of people telling me how wonderful he is when he’s so nasty all the time.’
Wow, I thought, that actually felt good, although I was close to tears. My friend took me outside for a smoke and made me talk to him about my outburst and for the first time, in a long time, I had an outlet, a pillar of strength I could lean on. My outburst spread through work and I accumulated quite a few ‘supporters’.
I didn’t go out of my way to talk about my life at home, because I wasn’t allowed to, but it was actually a relief to know the world wasn’t going to crumble to pieces is I said something.
By him determining how, when and what gets communicated, I constantly felt squashed and not able to be myself (whoever that was). My entire identity was moulded into exactly what he wanted over the course of our marriage.
THIS IS ABUSE!!!!
If you, or anyone else you know, is experiencing this abusive tactic please, I need you, to seek help. Talk about domestic violence and let’s help each other.
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You may feel alone, but everyone loves you and wants what is best for you. L