Telling my story is something I never thought I could do. There has been so much happen, and still going on in my life, I have, naturally, come up with my own personal ways to deal/handle any situation with fairness and compassion. How do I do this? I hear you ask. Well that’s where my brain steps up and goes into overdrive…
A few years ago now I was diagnosed with anxiety. I was so grateful to know this because now I could start to learn about myself differently, and without as much self hate. My never ending self hate had turned into depression. Constantly over thinking and constantly being grumpy and tired through lack of sleep, made me really unpopular,which also added to my depression. You see, every situation in life, whether happy or sad, normal or complex, all goes through the same thought process. My brain instantly scans though hundreds of different scenarios and always, reliably, comes up with best answer for me.
How do I do this? Well, for starters, I am always honest, no matter what the situation. That’s right, I don’t lie (and for the record, No! It’s not easy). I believe a lie turns into another lie and by lying people manifest into something or somebody, they believe, society accepts but, in the meantime, they lose themselves.
Unfortunately, this type of personality scares alot of people away from me. I, simply, sometimes have ‘no filter’ and the comments I make, though greatly thought out and honest and are beneficial to my anxiety filled brain, are not always welcome by the persons receiving my answers. Some of the answers are simple(Yes, No), but others are long and complex, and really tiring. Hence, my never ending tiredness.
I find that this unconscious ‘way to deal’ with situations works well for me. I don’t lie and can therefore back myself 100%. This is just how it is. Unfortunately, even though I’ve silently gone through every scenario in my brain to come up with the best answers or course of action thought the day and back myself 100% through honesty, as I lay down to sleep at the end of the day my brain re-checks itself. This can go on for hours and this is normally when panic attacks endure. Hours of doubt and checking, then rechecking that i’ve made the best choices throughout my day can sometime last all night. Was I always honest?
Was I thoughtful to the other person’s feelings?
Was it the best possible outcome?
Could I have done it better?
Hence, the tired and grumpy me. As I see the sun rise I finally nod off into an unrestful sleep to start a new day. (Please also note, as I reread my blog before publishing, I never give concern as to whether the other person has been honest and compassionate towards me 😓, which I just ‘lightbulbed’, I probably should.)
With the diagnosis of anxiety and depression, came sympathy, from friends mainly but especially from my doctor. She prescribed me sleeping tablets to help me rest at night and not be so ‘anxious’ the next day. This didn’t work, and I got to the point I was eating these tablets like lollies to try and shut my brain off, but essentially making myself even more ill. I was very close to death, and I didn’t care if I ever woke and honestly believed no one cared.
No, this is how my brain needs to work so I have to deal with it. The next step, after eliminating sleeping tablets, was to speak to a counselor. I’ve now spoken to three different councillors, the first one was explained in an earlier post (a little about me). The second counselor was helping me unpressureize my life by discussing loss (I’d had a miscarriage), and gently reassured me my marriage breakdown was not completely my fault and I was in a dangerous situation. The third councillor I’ve met is the one I see now, my husband is out of the picture and I want, now, to focus on my own mental health. She was truly amazed by my thought process, she turned it around on me and gave me positive ways to use my ‘skills’. One of them was to write stuff down, which I did. She then suggested I start writing a book explaining the situations, which is alot, that I’ve been through and how I wake up every morning and continue through my day. She, honestly, prompted that, the situations, the full thought process and the answers, should be written and shared with the world. So I thought why not start this conversation now. Let’s start talking and dealing with stuff together.
That is why I’m choosing to tell my story through a blog. I would love to hear how people deal with situations, with or without, anxiety. Also, throw situations at me, my outside perspective and thought process may prove beneficial to you. Lastly, follow my blog ( you may find some days are random events from that day, or memories of events I’ve already experienced, processed and completed, with good or bad consequences.) , I have been through alot and I’m going to continue telling stories about my life and how I got through each day.